Bindi Irwin Releases Kay Slay Mixtape

Shit is real, son. I love Rassy as much as the next man, but mini-CrocHunter's gonna yoke that mark. I saw her on the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards, and she had slime all up in her eyes, and Terry, her mommy, was all "Are you crying? Are you crying?" and Bindi was like, "I'm fine! Hahahahaha!!" All crazy and shit. And like, all the Nickelodeon kids were trying to hug and coddle her onstage on T.V. because her dad just died and she was lookin' a little loony, and Bindi just shook 'em off and kept laughin'.

I myspaced Ras Kass for comment on the Bindi/Kay Slay collabo, and he sent me this letter which he claims appeared in his mailbox yesterday, postmarked Sydney, Australia:

I mean, it's like, Ras Kass is already a legend in the game, you know? He doesn't need to respond to this if he doesn't want to. It would be fine if, say, he moved to another town and didn't tell anybody.

Stay in Africa, Nino!

You have never seen this photo before.

Wesley's in Namibia, ironically filming a movie about a slave rebellion in a country with no extradition treaty with the US aka The Country That Jails Black Dudes, and a Vietnamese immigrant running for Congress in Orange County, California sent out thousands of letters to Latino voters implying they would be arrested and deported if they showed up to vote (especially if they voted for the Latina Democrat running against him).

However, all I really want to say today is STOP DRIVING YOUR FUCKING CARS.

Seriously. This is why I don't like people. I'm going to be really pissed when I'm 90-years-old, and I have to think about my hypothetical grandchildren starving to death because my generation and my parents' generation were too lazy to walk or too stupid to ride a goddamn bus or train. Remember how awesome you thought your grandparents were? Yeah well, your grandchildren are going to hate you, and that is going to break your heart. Furthermore, all the grandchildren of the world are going to hate you, and that is going to break your bones. Think about how angry the angriest Columbiner is today, multiply that by a billion and imagine what kind of fun that planet will be. And what really sucks is that while I may be able to convince my grandkids that I tried my best to not kill Earth, every other grandkid on the planet will still think I'm an asshole. So thanks in advance, Everyone. Thanks for ruining my retirement, a retirement I won't even be able to spend in Miami because the entire state of Florida will be underwater.

Yes, it will take more than all of us parking our sweet, cherished Camrys to save our grandkids from global holocaust, but it's a pretty decent- and pretty easy- way to start. And guess what, you fat loser? Walking is good for you! And when you take public transport, you don't get angry at other drivers and you can read and talk to people! CuhRaaazayyyy!!!

Also, from Courtney, my friend who refuses to blog but loves to post links on the internet: Earth is putting our things in a box to the left.

Oh, and J-Shep is nice with the link but nicer with words. "Nigh one year has passed since I have mentioned Omarion Grandberry: an exercise in restraint." Love that and everything that follows it.

TGIF

Update: Sorry, if I was a little cranky earlier, it's only because it's 90 degrees on October 20th. As a conciliatory gesture, I would like to invite everyone to come to Los Angeles next Tuesday for Public Displays of Affection, an event to "show public transportation a little love." Take the bus or subway to Union Station. If you need help figuring that out, they are the long metal boxes on wheels that say "Union Station" on them. Secret Machines show for free with, uh, another Shepherd Fairey DJ set and a Cobrasnake photo exhibit. I might have a doctor's appointment that day, but you should totally go.

Update Again: Yes! Get ready for a slew of amazing Snipes vehicles in the coming years. Wesley is NOT going to jail– which is great news– but he has negotiated a "payment plan" with the IRS, i.e. indentured servitude, i.e. crap movies by Russian or Chinese action directors who are willing to shoot Wes a couple mil. It's gonna be awesome. Expect gangster werewolfs and ninja shortstops. Can't wait, can't wait. There are at least 5 or 6 films to come of this.

Go Buy A Stick

If, while watching tonight's episode of "The Office", you responded to "Andy"'s question of "I wonder what ever happened to those guys?" (in reference to the Cardigans) by saying or thinking to yourself, "They put out a pretty decent album last year, actually," welcome to Totallyirresistabletotheoppositesexland, population: Me and You.

NSFP

A few photos, from my review of the LA Weekly Detour Festival, deemed less-interesting than a crappy logo. Anyone want to buy a camera?

Zapped!

Cruisin' for a bruisin'.

On Friday night in Houston, the cops shot some innocent white people down (with low-voltage tasers).

I, for one, will not abide by this outrageous treatment of white people. The boys in Two Gallants wasn't doing nothing wrong, just playing some good ol' time music, when the law brought the thunder down on their unkempt heads. Is a noise violation really breakin' the law? Ain't it my right to talk shit to the po-lease? Should be. I been watchin' Deadwood, sumbitches.

Thing is, I'm kinda confused like because I was on them Two Gallantses interweb site, and it's plain as day that they play that (c)rap music, so's they should expect the po-po's to be froggy when they come to town. I mean, dang, y'all named one song "Steady Rollin'" and 'nother "Las Cruces Jail"! I'm a rebel too, but I don't go around callin' what I do "crack bloggin'" or compare it to that gangbanger Warren G.

I reckon they should get that skinny fella to make a movie about this starring Bill Murray.

Aw hell, these boys are from San Fran-cisco. San Francisco?!

Assholes By Nature, "Fuck Wit Us". My favorite Houstonians, Z-Ro and Trae, wouldn't take shit like those California fancy boys.

Update: Some St. Lunatic's reaction to getting tasered 46 times: "My back is a mess."

A Totally Real News Photo

Robert Durell of the Los Angeles Times, you have inspired me to go to the photo shop and buy a camera.

DipSkate DipSkate DipSkate

Hey, I’ve got a big one for you, guys.

Recently announced by Diplomats Records CEO Jim Jones aka “Da Capo” (Italian for “Da Head”) is the label’s long-term partnership with NYC skate label B. Unique to form the DipSkate skate team. What a fabulous idea! In order to separate himself from Pharrell Williams, Jones decided to make his skate team the kind that rolls on blades not boards, saying in the team’s promo video, “you can do dirt on the skates and all that shit.” Hollaback, boy!

The team is represented by Ramelle Knight, who uses “his natural born talent to break stereotypes and misconceptions,” and Calvin Sayles, who “blew past the common way of living when coming from the hood.”

One time I saw this rollerblader do a trick where he jumped up on a pole, bent over, grabbed his ankles, and cruised all the way to the bottom. Shit was hot!

In addition to the skate team, Jones is scoring with young men all over America with his hit “We Fly High” and its rousing chorus, “Baaaaaallllllliiiiinnnn’!!!,” as well as his associated Myspace video contest, “Come Ball Out With Jim Jones.” A true hustler.

Check Still Listen To Gangsta Music for Jim's new album cover and Discobelle for the "We Fly High" remix.

In other news…
Google Strikes A Blow To Microsoft (no homo)

Update: If you're around D.C. this weekend, it's Howard Homecoming. Jim will be there hosting events and performing along with Ludacris, Diddy, Lloyd Banks, DJ Drama, Biz Markie, Paul Wall, and Asheru of local hip-hop group Unspoken Heard and host of the forthcoming Boondocks mixtape. I'm sure there will be some nice surprises at Yardfest, as well. Just stay clear of Cam's Lambo unless you need publicity for your blog.

Missing Home

I've been fast slowdancing with my Lisa Bonet poster for 13 hours in a row to this one.
Jovan Dais- Gotta Get To My Baby

Est. 1979, CEO of Another Dais Entertainment, He's the King of Hearts, the Golden Voice Of Inner Emotion… He's Jovan Dais, ladies and gentleman. Coincidentally, I am the Golden Voice Of Outer Emotion, and I really want everybody to like me because I put a free song on the internet.

Jovan's from Atlanta, gotta a beat from Toomp and a Don Cannon mixtape called 24: Season II (I don't get it), so he's perched on the precipice of 106 & Parkdom, if he's not already there. How would I know? He's got some other spaceheaters on that there page, but I don't go on that site anymore because it's a good way to get killed.

Otherwise, a note to J.D. "Nancy" Drew and Jeff "Good Cop" Kent: I played catcher in 4th grade for a season, and even then, I could've tagged your sissy asses out. You gotta body that clown, dudes.

The Mighty Zero

If anyone needs a pair of shoes, come see me. Right up the street from my house are two sneaker shops. Across the street from each other. Selling the same stuff. For lots of money. You could cop some rave pink AF 180's from one and be sliding your black card for a pair of rawhide Dunks from the other before the Korean dudes even knew your lane. Stop and get an Italian gelato on the way. It's fancy ice cream.

UK journalist Neil Boorman, formerly of Shoreditch Twat and Sleazenation, will hate you if you do and just might light your ass on fire, but you'll be able to run faster and jump higher than him because he's wearing bobos.

Like Neil, I hate paying for stuff, but it's because I don't have any money, not because I'm tired of stuff. Good for me then that Derrick Bostrom, original drummer of extremely awesome AZ dust-punks the Meat Puppets, decided to post a free bootleg of the band's 1987 Trenton, New Jersey show.

Meat Puppets-Live At City Gardens-Trenton, NJ- May 9, 1987

I Smell Cheap Cologne And Fried Chicken

Dudes, I saw Uncle Phil for the second time since I moved here. You're probably saying, "It's Hollywood. Celebrities are everywhere." True. Except I live in Los Angeles, and the only other celebrities I've seen are the redheaded gal from Temptation Island tending bar and Judd Nelson on Melrose wearing Dockers (tucked into combat boots) asking people if they had his "doobitch." Unimpressive. Oh, I see that fat comedian all the time, too. But the first time I saw Phillip was in an interstate traffic jam three years ago, and this time was in a parking lot nowhere near Hollywood. Both times he was in his little Mercedes SUV. First time yelling at the "motherfucker" in front of him. Second, yelling at his dog. Shit is traumatic for me because I remember how hard he could be on Will, and that's where he was mentally both times. The breaking point. I mean, he just kept yelling at his dog to stay, but the dog was already on full stay mode in the backseat and the windows were up as hell. I don't want to judge, but what are the odds I catch guy on his two worst days? Just saying, if you're out there in Nowheresville thinking about coming to Hollywood and making it big, keep in mind that dudes like Uncle Phil are going to spit chewed up sushi in your face everyday because you ordered Anago instead of Unagi.

Sadly, the photo above was chosen by ac-tor James Marcell for the splash page on his website. You're better than that, Geoffrey!

America's Next Top Jihadists

With little to no explication and culled purely from promo spots for NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams, I give you the following list of stuff from the title of this post:

The Top Ten:

11. Talibanistan- After we let the Taliban back into the government, pissing on Hamid Karzai's face, kick the Taliban's ass again following their inevitable wilding, giving the Taliban and Karzai something to cheers to (how we're such jerks), the Afghan people will finally be united.

9. Iraqi Policeman, Jr.- Boba Fett? Helloooo?

8. Illegal Laborers- Sure, these dudes are sweet right now, but as soon as the baby boomers retire or get fired, they're going to be pushing mowers and painting their own garages. When that happens, good luck getting into a Home Depot parking lot, cabrón.

7. Polacks- How many Poles does it take to get sick of being shot at in Iraq? 900. When they do, we'll call them pussies. Then they start beating up the two American tourists in Poland at any given time as payback.

6. Wal-Mart Employees- Access to weapons cache. Organized. Cranky from that nagging untreated condition.

5. Congressional Pages- Those who were propositioned because it made them feel weird. Those who weren't because it made them feel ugly.

4. Lupe Fiasco

3. Minutemen- They're protecting our homeland! And we don't even have the sack to thank them. (Willing to shoot women and children)

2. Evangelicals- This group could possibly emerge from and become a bigger threat than the Wal-Martyrs. They're only going to get angrier every day that abortions, dead baby farming, homo-nuptials, and satanic messages in the media aren't stricken down by the sword of governance.

1. Fat Drunks- Laugh now, cry later. Every gram of trans fat you take off the menu and every drag taken outside the bar away from the beer is accumulating in the plaqued synapses of this massive segment of the global population waiting to burst into a breathless, bloodthirsty mayhem.

Sincere apologies to the photographer who took that photo. You deserve more, more than I could give.

Turkish Delights

Yeah, sorry. It was either that or "Jive Turkey."

Crossing the Bridge: The Sound of Istanbul came out on dvd a couple weeks ago. It's a documentary that follows Einstürzende Nuebauten's Alexander Hacke through Istanbul as he meets with and records a fairly diverse group of musicians. You could whip me with barbwire, and I wouldn't claim to know anything about Hacke or Turkey, but they're both actually pretty interesting. Hacke, like most aging German artists, is an accidental comedian, but his goofy hair and posturing are a good contrast to the intensity of the featured artists, who include this chap…

this dimepiece…

the murkle twins…

… and many others. Recommended.

That last girl, though, in her scene in the doc, seriously channels the handplay of a Queens semi-legend. Ladies, airbrush your jeans and breakout the halter-tops, cuz it's time to kick it "On The Smooth Tip" with none other than Sorta-Friend-of-Salt-N-Pepa, Sweet "Not Through By A Longshot" Tee…

The Four Horsemen of The Week

White Horse- Weird Al's new album, Straight Outta Lynwood is as good as you think it is bad, and the video…

… includes Judy "The Love Goddess, Fashion Saint, Princess of Panty Shields" Tenuta at her blazingest. Seriously, if you can tell the diff between her and Madonna, you've a keen eye, old boy.

Pale Horse- Gwyneth Paltrow on Access Hollywood: "I went to Royal Albert Hall… to see Jay-Z… Jay-Z's my best friend." "JAY-Z'S MY BEST FRIEND," says GWYNETH PALTROW. Dear Rap Bloggers, you can start liking Nas and Kelis now.

Black Horse- New Clipse Album Penciled In For December. Haha. How in the name of Ras Kass has someone not leaked HHNF by now? I will sell it on my front porch and send Pusha and Malice 10 points on every sale.

Red Horse- Obvious.

And to tie it all together in wonderfully poetic and pessimistic prose is an 18-page spread on Kurt Vonnegut in the new Stop Smiling.

Kurt on what gets him up in the morning:

Sunlight.

Kurt on very rich people:

They're psychopaths. They have no conscience. They were born without a conscience… They don't care what happens next… One thing that's really scary about them– and this would be true of Bush and Cheney– is that they don't give a shit what happens to them. You could count on a guy saving his own ass. These guys don't do it.

Kurt on government:

We have no opposition party. We have only one party, and that's winners. It's people with money, and so they pretend to fight and argue back and forth.

Kurt on Nixon:

I wish Nixon were president right now. I could at least talk to him.

Etc, etc.

People more erudite than myself might say that Vonnegut is kid's stuff. I don't like those people, and I think they are dumb.