America's Next Top Jihadists

With little to no explication and culled purely from promo spots for NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams, I give you the following list of stuff from the title of this post:

The Top Ten:

11. Talibanistan- After we let the Taliban back into the government, pissing on Hamid Karzai's face, kick the Taliban's ass again following their inevitable wilding, giving the Taliban and Karzai something to cheers to (how we're such jerks), the Afghan people will finally be united.

9. Iraqi Policeman, Jr.- Boba Fett? Helloooo?

8. Illegal Laborers- Sure, these dudes are sweet right now, but as soon as the baby boomers retire or get fired, they're going to be pushing mowers and painting their own garages. When that happens, good luck getting into a Home Depot parking lot, cabrón.

7. Polacks- How many Poles does it take to get sick of being shot at in Iraq? 900. When they do, we'll call them pussies. Then they start beating up the two American tourists in Poland at any given time as payback.

6. Wal-Mart Employees- Access to weapons cache. Organized. Cranky from that nagging untreated condition.

5. Congressional Pages- Those who were propositioned because it made them feel weird. Those who weren't because it made them feel ugly.

4. Lupe Fiasco

3. Minutemen- They're protecting our homeland! And we don't even have the sack to thank them. (Willing to shoot women and children)

2. Evangelicals- This group could possibly emerge from and become a bigger threat than the Wal-Martyrs. They're only going to get angrier every day that abortions, dead baby farming, homo-nuptials, and satanic messages in the media aren't stricken down by the sword of governance.

1. Fat Drunks- Laugh now, cry later. Every gram of trans fat you take off the menu and every drag taken outside the bar away from the beer is accumulating in the plaqued synapses of this massive segment of the global population waiting to burst into a breathless, bloodthirsty mayhem.

Sincere apologies to the photographer who took that photo. You deserve more, more than I could give.